Avoiding a speeding ticket

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road . One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 350 mph.

Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea .

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched."

*gulp*

Why I do what I do

A man was walking down the beach one day. A high tide had beached hundreds if not thousands of starfish. Now the tide was going out, the starfish were slowly dying on the drying sand. The man would walk, then stop, bend down, pick up a starfish and throw it back in the sea.
Another man walking saw this. He spoke to the first man, saying “why are you bothering? Look at all the starfish on this beach. You can’t possibly make a difference to all of them”.

The man smiled as he bent down, picked up another and threw it back into the sea.

“It made a difference to that one”, he said.

R.I.P Common Sense, Esq.

It's fair to say I've not written much about any jobs I've dealt with much. There are plenty of blogs out there that deal with the hum-drum-occasionally-exciting life of an officer, and will regale you with the action if you require it. This blog was intended by me to be a policy commentator. The wider public have little or no idea what their (yes, it's YOUR police force / service / politically-correct term of the week here), gets up to and what the officers have to put up with.

So I bring you a little obituary. It's a permutation of one that has graced us before in many guises, but I'd like to thank the person who wrote it for being so damn on the dollar.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, as his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To blame and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.

Life on NPT

Good grief, has it been that long.. sorry for the lack of updates. Work / Life balance hasn't been what it should lately. I'd like to share a little something with you. I didn't create it, but I'd like to buy the person who did a pint. If I had time. It's so accurate it hurts to read it.

GOVERNMENT NCRS COMPLIANCE FLOW CHART

THINKING OF LEAVING THE STATION TO PATROL, PREVENT CRIME AND REASSURE
THE PUBLIC?

YES

WRONG – Check previous incident reports and e-mails for NCRS compliance.

Now thinking of leaving the building?

YES

WRONG - Check your in tray for NCRS allocations and investigations.

Now thinking of leaving the building?

YES

WRONG- Check your tray further for any no crime results that the non-police Crime Desk disagree with despite your many years experience as a police officer

Now thinking of leaving the building?

YES

WRONG – Check your tray / CMT for crime report allocations. Update with policy and contact aggrieved parties. Arrange for statements etc.

Now thinking of leaving the building?

YES

WRONG – Your existing status 2’s need to be updated at least once per set of shifts and actively progressed. Half the shift has passed. Do you require refs?

YES

NO CHANCE – This is NPT. Turn out for outstanding grade 1 call...

Arrest shoplifter for £10 theft from store who has no pro-active prevention policy and little security, i.e. Threshers. Due to lack of practical policing available you are now in custody.

Thinking of cracking on with the investigation?

YES

WRONG – Queue for case director. Only one on duty and three people in front? Hey ho!

So, finally you see the case director. Apparently you need statements from people called “witnesses”. This is a revelation. Once obtained, thinking of cracking on with the investigation?

YES

WRONG – Queue up for the case director again (one on duty, three in front etc etc) to review the statements. Apparently you can not read or make up your own mind. Once reviewed, complete interview. Suspect admits the offence! Go straight to charge as you have all evidence to hand?

YES

WRONG – Queue for the case director to tell them the above (one on duty, three in front – gedditt?). Thinking of going to charge now?

YES

WRONG – Queue for CPS. How long to wait? One on duty, three in front.

Finally seen all people and not died of frustration and old age?

CHARGE?

No, no, no, you just don’t get it. Bail it for CPS advice stupid ! What was Narey thinking about when he wanted to speed up the criminal justice system. Are you now ready to leave the custody block now everyone else has gone home?

YES

WRONG- Receive bollocking from supervision for not

a) updating status 2’s,

b) not complying with NCRS,

c) not completing TTCG,

d) not arresting enough people,

e) not completing 47/3 enquiries,

f) not signing ISA paperwork,

g) not reducing the AQ,

h) not dealing with TQ jobs,

i) not detecting enough crime,

j) not actively reassuring the community….

Feeling stressed, run down and under pressure with all these demands, long hours, earlies, lates and nights? Perhaps you could do with a holiday before you go sick.

YES

WRONG – This is the Police…No leave can be authorised for any dates due to probationer courses, illness, compulsory abstractions to units and operations. Perhaps if you wait until the end of summer you may be able to get some time off.

YES

WRONG – OP OTTER. No leave until October. Never mind. Go home and argue with wife / husband / partner over being late home again. Rue your deteriorating home / social life. Eat bad food and get drunk. With any luck you may drop dead early; and remember - Tomorrow is another day when you can catch up.

YES

WRONG – PLEASE RETURN TO TOP OF FLOW CHART

Find Maddie

It's not often you'll find me chirping about a particular current affair, but this is one that has rightly touched the country. Despite I think her parents need their head read for leaving her alone in the first place, if you have any information that may help Find Maddie, contact the above telephone number or your local police service.

Custody Ping Pong

Centralised PFI custody centres (police cells to the uninitiated) seemed like a great idea at the time. Modern, fresh, large open spaces and every modern convenience you can imagine. Before they came along, every station had 5 or 6 cells in the basement and a custody sergeant. Get a local prisoner, go to the local nick. Worse case scenario you had to drive 4 or 5 miles to the next one if it happened to be full.

Then, 4 years ago, they all shut. In place of 30 local cell blocks, they opened 6 'custody centres'. Each is about 35-40 miles from the next, but have capacity of approximately 35 cells a piece. Some prisoners can be doubled-up, so you can squeeze in possibly 50 prisoners at a time. This wastes immeasurable amounts of officer time traveling with their prisoners, then waiting in holding cells while the 1 custody sergeant books in 5 others from around the local area. But never before was so much time wasted as last night...

I arrested a bloke for ABH at 2227, but because of his injuries he had to go to hospital. After an hours wait in the local A&E, he was treated and put 'on-watch' for 3 hours. Because he was a prisoner, I had to wait with him to make sure he didn't do a runner. Eventually they discharge him, and behold! My nearest custody centre is beyond full. "There is space at the next nearest one" the radio says helpfully. So we get in the van and begin the painful trip in the pissing rain. 35 miles later we arrive only to be told "Sorry chum, we're full now".

After some muted abuse to the sergeant, I ask him to suggest where he'd like us to go. "Abbots Wood has room!", he suggests. "Sarge. That's 90 miles away from here, and 120 miles away from my station!" I protest. But he's not concerned. He is full, and that is that.

I go and confer with my colleagues in the van. I ask comms to phone around and see if I can be squeezed anywhere slightly closer. A few minutes later, they say "Home station has room now, they will accept". So we trundle back the 35 miles we've just driven, to be back to where we started.

It was 5am at that point, and I lost the will to live. But, it's progress, right?

Force Funding

Our Force intranet has lots of bleak content about the troubles we face in the coming years due to lack of Government funding and council tax precept caps of 5%. But why is our force one of the lowest centrally-funded entities out of all of them? I am all for efficiency gains and reducing carbon footprints, but I'm troubled by the prediction we will by 2011 be almost £20,000,000 short of funding. We're not talking sofa-change here. That's an incredible amount of money.

When it's not busy at night, I'll wander around our station turning off tens, or even hundreds of computers that are not being used. I'll turn off lights, close fire doors that have been wedged open, shut windows and turn down or off air conditioning and heating systems. When I think of the amount of waste just in electricity of our force, when you multiply the number of actions I take, over our entire county with the probably, 40 or 50 buildings we own, it makes me wonder if the funding gap isn't of our own doing. Yet, the likes of the 'big forces' (MPD, GMP etc) get what seems like an unlimited pit of money just thrown at them. Why should they be special when ultimately we all do the same thing, but we have to do it on a shoestring with no guarantees of no redundancies?

Speaking of reducing carbon footprints, I think I'll walk to the next job.

Modern Policing

It occurred to me the other night that we've got this whole gig back to front, thanks in no small part to New Labour's insistence that everything be measurable. It's fair to say that 95% of the law-abiding public would rather see police officers on the streets, engaging the local community, relieving Mrs Jones of the odd cup of tea, and preventing crime by presence. Not tearing around on blue lights from one job to the next, only stopping to speak to someone not involved in an incident to say "any idea where the High Street is, love?".

You see, New Labour loves statistics. "Violent crime is down!", "Domestic burglaries are down!", and "<insert offence here> crimes are down!" they bleat from the roof-tops. The thing is, yes, statistically, crime is coming down. But that doesn't necessarily mean less crime is happening. Was it Disraeli that said "Lies, damn lies and statistics"? If anything it is fair to say that there is the same amount, if not more violent crime occurring today than when I first joined the service 5 years ago. It's all about the recording ...

Surely policing is about preventing crime from taking place. I do not wish to spend my life chasing ticks in boxes. "Congratulations, PC Disillusioned" my skipper says. "You have the 2nd highest number of sanctioned detections this month on section". Great, and did any of those prevent a crime taking place? No. They were all after the fact. Of course, if we were out engaging our local community, giving little Johnny a clip round the ear as necessary, perhaps crimes wouldn't be committed in the first place.

Ah, but that is a false economy. You cannot measure prevention.

Must dash, I'm off to my next grade 1.

Another Coppers' Blog?

It's not as if there aren't enough of them about already, is it? Most of us even rant about the same things. But, perhaps there is a reason for that. I've been reading a fair few blogs over the years; they're entertaining, informative, and best of all permit us ("the silenced") to speak out, anonymously, about issues the public should know about. My thanks go out to David Copperfield and his wonderful blog for keeping me entertained and sane the last few years, he is one of the few people out there who let me know that I'm not alone in the way I feel about policing in this country.

I refer in example to a recently departed colleague, DC Johnno Hills. He chose to speak out about insane practices, statistic chasing and 'so much paperwork if you could, you'd drown in it'. What he said was correct. His only mistake was signing his name at the end of the article in a national newspaper (oh, and perhaps having his photo taken, too).

It was quite disturbing to watch from the side-lines in another force, just how the force handled this incident. From my Sussex sources they say at first, an email came round 'supporting our right to free speech'. "We don't agree with what he said, but he has a right to say it." or words to that effect. Then, a few days later, another email came round reminding officers what they could and could not say. Then a few days after that, we learn DC Hills has been suspended (and that he subsequently resigned).

It doesn't pay to be honest and open with the public in our job. Is it any bloody wonder overall support for the police is dropping?