Life on NPT

Good grief, has it been that long.. sorry for the lack of updates. Work / Life balance hasn't been what it should lately. I'd like to share a little something with you. I didn't create it, but I'd like to buy the person who did a pint. If I had time. It's so accurate it hurts to read it.

GOVERNMENT NCRS COMPLIANCE FLOW CHART

THINKING OF LEAVING THE STATION TO PATROL, PREVENT CRIME AND REASSURE
THE PUBLIC?

YES

WRONG – Check previous incident reports and e-mails for NCRS compliance.

Now thinking of leaving the building?

YES

WRONG - Check your in tray for NCRS allocations and investigations.

Now thinking of leaving the building?

YES

WRONG- Check your tray further for any no crime results that the non-police Crime Desk disagree with despite your many years experience as a police officer

Now thinking of leaving the building?

YES

WRONG – Check your tray / CMT for crime report allocations. Update with policy and contact aggrieved parties. Arrange for statements etc.

Now thinking of leaving the building?

YES

WRONG – Your existing status 2’s need to be updated at least once per set of shifts and actively progressed. Half the shift has passed. Do you require refs?

YES

NO CHANCE – This is NPT. Turn out for outstanding grade 1 call...

Arrest shoplifter for £10 theft from store who has no pro-active prevention policy and little security, i.e. Threshers. Due to lack of practical policing available you are now in custody.

Thinking of cracking on with the investigation?

YES

WRONG – Queue for case director. Only one on duty and three people in front? Hey ho!

So, finally you see the case director. Apparently you need statements from people called “witnesses”. This is a revelation. Once obtained, thinking of cracking on with the investigation?

YES

WRONG – Queue up for the case director again (one on duty, three in front etc etc) to review the statements. Apparently you can not read or make up your own mind. Once reviewed, complete interview. Suspect admits the offence! Go straight to charge as you have all evidence to hand?

YES

WRONG – Queue for the case director to tell them the above (one on duty, three in front – gedditt?). Thinking of going to charge now?

YES

WRONG – Queue for CPS. How long to wait? One on duty, three in front.

Finally seen all people and not died of frustration and old age?

CHARGE?

No, no, no, you just don’t get it. Bail it for CPS advice stupid ! What was Narey thinking about when he wanted to speed up the criminal justice system. Are you now ready to leave the custody block now everyone else has gone home?

YES

WRONG- Receive bollocking from supervision for not

a) updating status 2’s,

b) not complying with NCRS,

c) not completing TTCG,

d) not arresting enough people,

e) not completing 47/3 enquiries,

f) not signing ISA paperwork,

g) not reducing the AQ,

h) not dealing with TQ jobs,

i) not detecting enough crime,

j) not actively reassuring the community….

Feeling stressed, run down and under pressure with all these demands, long hours, earlies, lates and nights? Perhaps you could do with a holiday before you go sick.

YES

WRONG – This is the Police…No leave can be authorised for any dates due to probationer courses, illness, compulsory abstractions to units and operations. Perhaps if you wait until the end of summer you may be able to get some time off.

YES

WRONG – OP OTTER. No leave until October. Never mind. Go home and argue with wife / husband / partner over being late home again. Rue your deteriorating home / social life. Eat bad food and get drunk. With any luck you may drop dead early; and remember - Tomorrow is another day when you can catch up.

YES

WRONG – PLEASE RETURN TO TOP OF FLOW CHART